Adnan Syed: Midnight Phone Call

His lawyer’s assertion that “no one who ever wore a tuxedo ever killed nobody” didn’t pan out for the Baltimore area youngster.

Serial did more to raise the profile of podcasting than Adam Curry or Chris Hardwick ever have. More significantly, the upstart podcast has helped to blur the line between reporting and storytelling more than even Bill O’Reilly. The American public’s appetite for real journalism is about on par with their appetite for kale. Some people want it and only it. But more, far more, people just want the Twinkies. Sarah Koenig and the staff at This American Life have offered up a very popular kale casserole that’s really mostly made out of Twinkie. But why take my word for it?

The Raging Titter voicemail recorded this message from Serial character Adnan Syed. I didn’t bother to transcribe the “this is a call from” line. You already hear it in your head anyway.

“The major problem with me and my case is that I’m a sociopath who didn’t commit this murder. So if you look at me and ask yourself could he do this, it’s always going to come up “Fuck Yeah” he could. But a jury isn’t supposed to ask that question. They supposed to ask did he do this particular shit right here.

My extensive study getting my advance degree in Jailhouse Lawdawggin’ from FedPen U has taught me that, at its core, our system isn’t supposed to, like, rid the world of evil, it’s supposed to get and punish people who did the shit. Not find the people who might do shit some day, you know. So, you know, it’s kind of like all in how you understand, or like perceive, the system of justice in this country.

I just need to say that I got so upset when Sarah Koenig asked me about stealing money from the mosque because it had nothing to do with the case. Yeah, like I said, I’m a full-fledged sociopath who will steal some money from a holy place I’m supposed to revere, but that wouldn’t prove or disprove that I killed Hae. I’ve read some more transcripts of This American Life and at this point I can say that I’m a little bit sorry I hooked up with them. Some good things have come out of it and I’m thankful for that, but if I had it to do over again, I might go another way.

It’s like, they don’t chase the truth over at TAL. They out chasing the existential short story/pithy essay. They ain’t no journalists. They not out painting murals of truth on the neglected brick walls of America. They narrative drywallers screwing the shit out of every single plot twist until the head snaps off. They not reporters. And their drywalling will eventually pull away from the wall and ruin your Sunday breakfast. Right? Maybe kill your dog.

And for the record, there’s no truth to the rumor that Sarah Koenig sent me pornographic polaroids. Where would you even get polaroids? They was tasteful like boudoir photos with a nice matte finish. And they wasn’t even no porn! It was, like, her sitting at an old-timey typewriter with a pencil behind her ear but you could see her bare shins and bare shoulders. So you know she naked. But there’s no nipple, no areola, no booty, or wah-wah to be seen. She ain’t even looking at the camera! They erotic. Like art. They art. Erotic art.”

For what it’s worth, the staff at Raging Titter hopes this guy gets his day and a real fair shake. And we hope he likes kale.

Rush Limbaugh:Midnight Phone Call

Rush Carries This Great Looking Beer Advertisement Around For Photo Ops.

Rush Limbaugh sure has stepped in it this time. After years of being the right wing's mainline into the heads of white middle class working people, he's finally answered Raging Titter's favorite question. How far can too far go?

Public figures who stumble on the high wire of fame and fortune and plummet ungracefully toward the net can detail for us that which many of us dare not even to imagine. How does the world look from free fall? So much more terrifying and melancholy must those moments be for a man so aware of gravity. Even more so for someone who believes safety nets of any kind constitute a kind of cheating.

     

"Look, I've apologized on my website and that's good enough for the folks on Twitter. I'm not a fountain of contrition. I've moved on from this, but there are just a few points that I'd like to refine."

"First, I make my living now, and have for over 25 years, by talking about whatever the American people had on their collective minds. They listen because no one else says what I say the way I say it. I invoke the spirit of the average American with the spirit of my words, and that is a great responsibility. And, as I am human, sometimes I fail."

"Certainly I did not fail to raise discussion and stir controversy. Google News attests to that. No sir, I failed in regard to this young woman because I had no real opinion about her or what she said. I failed because I did not really care about her issue or, for that matter, her. She was simply a convenient prop with which I stoked the fire in the mental bellies of my listenership. My wrong was not one of disrespect or malice; it was a wrong of intellectual sloth. Laziness led me to something far worse than chauvinism. It led to words without meaning. It led to insincerity."

"Recently, I've felt pressures like never before. I was speaking at a gathering of Young Republicans on the campus of the University of Florida and I mentioned Chappaquiddick jokingly. No one laughed. No one got it. No one except this geeky Cuban kid at the back of the room who was no doubt there on some affirmative action type program. I could see the other kids lean in close to Mr. Handout for an explanation. That was it. That young man dealt me a blow and had no idea the impact of the...impact. My pandering jokes were getting too old. Certain points of my timeless patter had grown stale. It was that moment and dozens like it which ground me down to the point of reaching for that easy word. Slut."

"It's a strange thing to get paid so much money to talk and sometimes have absolutely nothing to say."

Mount Rushmore signed off with something that sounded vaguely like "mega-dittos" and most definitely stated he'd be "ridin' an oxcart to the moon" for the remainder of the evening. He then asked which red wine went with opiates. Pinot Noir, El Rushbo.

Midnight Phone Call: Gallagher

When one indulges nostalgically about the 80s, a few things jump right up into the old consciousness. Just a few of those happy notions are: Cocaine, New Coke, Reagan, Punk Rock, Michael J. Fox films, Night Court, and the Dangermouse cartoon. Nothing, however, was as mysteriously popular as the prop comedian, Gallagher. The man made a living, making a mess.

Recently, the name Gallagher has held more than a tincture of controversy. He recently appeared (and abruptly disappeared in quite a menopausal alcoholic sort of way ) on Marc Maron's podcast. Reports point to more darkly political, racist, and homophobic moments cobbled together with jokes you might find on a popsicle.

This has all been particularly difficult on the actor, Peter Gallagher, who also shows up when you google "Gallagher" and has never smashed fruit with a ridiculous hammer.

It may have been this controversy that led Gallagher to call the Raging Titter hot line. It could have also been that he recently suffered a "minor" heart attack.

"The single greatest mistake of my career was my failure to recognize the evolution comedy is always undergoing as well as the increasing sophistication of comedy audiences. Additionally, even as a much younger man, I tended to remind people of the uncle that never touched them, but they kind of always expected would. What most people don't realize is that my kink is so specific that there's no place for children. My nightly sexual ritual proceeds this way: I'm in a diaper being rocked to sleep by a woman wearing the uniform of a catholic priest who feeds me a bottle of scotch while another woman in a furry outfit hangs upside down from a trapeze and masturbates me. There's no place for a child in that! And now you know where all my money went!"

"As far as the racist and homophobic aspects of my act, I was just reaching for controversy. I wanted to generate some buzz! It worked for Dice!"

"Unfortunately, the buzz created was less like bees to a flower and more like flies to shit. Truth is, I'm too narcissitic. And before you ask, it's the same for my political beliefs. People on the right pay for entertainment which excitingly reinforces their political identity. Look at Fox News! That's their Jon Stewart! I'm just trying to be their David Cross."

"I'm playing the blind man in a kingdom of people with one eye. This is how I'm artistically processing my career missteps. I've never had to struggle with relevance and meaning before. It's really frightening. I'm really trying to go beneath my own surface."

So what's next for Gallagher?

(Heavy Sigh)

"I don't know. Maybe I'll get that Mini-me guy to stand next to me and smash grapes with a dildo. Put it up on Funny or Die. You know why I dress like a homeless on stage now? The Sledge-o-Matic really stains clothing. I have to buy everything at thrift stores before I go on. I'm one of the working poor. Later. I gotta go wash this shit off."

There was ten minutes heavy breathing and light sobbing before the click. Also a lullabye.

Midnight Phone Call: Scott Walker

Scott Walker Admits "Cross-Eyed Cartoon Dog" Look Is Strategy.

So Governor Scott Walker just called up the Raging Titter hot line and started chatting. We hardly had to ask him questions. He just went on like this for a while.

"I spent years learning how to face a camera so it looks like my I.Q. hovers just over 91. You have to relate to the people who got you elected. And it just so happens that a lot of my supporters are not retarded, but frequently are mistaken for retards. If I can look like a cross-eyed cartoon dog, then they know I get them. I feel their pain."

"The Tea Party is basically about insecurity. They feel insecure about everything. Money stopped flowing and they pulled their heads out of their asses just long enough to find someone to point the finger at. Give up? It's everybody else. It's the teachers and other public employees whose jobs aren't based on anything as shaky as the banking, investment and real estate industries. It's the people who look vaguely similar to people who attacked us. They don't take ten seconds to realize that treating every Muslim like a terrorist is like treating every Jew like a serial killer. You know, because of David Berkowitz. Am I going too fast for you?"

"We've got to change the way we handle money at both the governmental and personal levels. Before we spend money we must examine what the impact of the purchase will mean over a longer period. If you eat at McDonald's and Taco Bell everyday, you save money, but how much do the treatments for colorectal cancer cost in ten years? How much does insulin cost? What's a funeral going to go for in fifteen years? These are the questions we should be asking ourselves. Does the purchase make sense past tomorrow?"

"Anyway, I just think this whole thing will blow over as soon as everyone isn't so scared."

We caught our breath and asked the Governor if he was, in fact, on any kind of medication or illicit drugs.

"I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. Ha! That son of a bitch has balls made of pure platinum." Then he hung up.

We at Raging Titter hope this information is both useful and entertaining.






Walker also admitted a lot of crazy shady shit.