Midnight Phone Call: Scott Walker

Scott Walker Admits "Cross-Eyed Cartoon Dog" Look Is Strategy.

So Governor Scott Walker just called up the Raging Titter hot line and started chatting. We hardly had to ask him questions. He just went on like this for a while.

"I spent years learning how to face a camera so it looks like my I.Q. hovers just over 91. You have to relate to the people who got you elected. And it just so happens that a lot of my supporters are not retarded, but frequently are mistaken for retards. If I can look like a cross-eyed cartoon dog, then they know I get them. I feel their pain."

"The Tea Party is basically about insecurity. They feel insecure about everything. Money stopped flowing and they pulled their heads out of their asses just long enough to find someone to point the finger at. Give up? It's everybody else. It's the teachers and other public employees whose jobs aren't based on anything as shaky as the banking, investment and real estate industries. It's the people who look vaguely similar to people who attacked us. They don't take ten seconds to realize that treating every Muslim like a terrorist is like treating every Jew like a serial killer. You know, because of David Berkowitz. Am I going too fast for you?"

"We've got to change the way we handle money at both the governmental and personal levels. Before we spend money we must examine what the impact of the purchase will mean over a longer period. If you eat at McDonald's and Taco Bell everyday, you save money, but how much do the treatments for colorectal cancer cost in ten years? How much does insulin cost? What's a funeral going to go for in fifteen years? These are the questions we should be asking ourselves. Does the purchase make sense past tomorrow?"

"Anyway, I just think this whole thing will blow over as soon as everyone isn't so scared."

We caught our breath and asked the Governor if he was, in fact, on any kind of medication or illicit drugs.

"I'm on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. Ha! That son of a bitch has balls made of pure platinum." Then he hung up.

We at Raging Titter hope this information is both useful and entertaining.






Walker also admitted a lot of crazy shady shit.

Charlie Sheen. Culture Warrior.

Charlie Sheen has been done a great disservice by the media as of late. He has been characterized as a rambling, mentally disorganized, drug addicted piece of human trash. Charlie is none of these things. Charlie is the victim of horrifying cultural bigotry.

Charlie speaks a dialect of Hollywood regional jive that is not recognized by the majority as legitimate language.

In an effort to balance this subtle slander from the media, Raging Titter obtained quotes from an ABCnews.com story and had them translated by an individual fluent in both English and Sheen's Hollywood regional dialect. The results will surprise you.

"I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars, and people can't figure me out; they can't process me. I don't expect them to. You can't process me with a normal brain." ("The Today Show.")

Charlie is a unique spirit. Sometimes he struggles with communication. This makes him feel alienated. Singing is his coping mechanism.

A Shamanic Ritual

"I think the honesty not only shines through in my work, but also my personal life. And I get in trouble for being honest. I'm extremely old-fashioned. I'm a nobleman. I'm chivalrous." ("20/20.")

Charlie recently discovered he is directly descended of Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, Sean Connery's character in the movie Highlander. He strives to live up to the example set by his ancestor.

Sheen Genes

"Duh, winning! It's, like, guys, IMDB right there, 62 movies and a ton of success. I mean, c'mon bro, I won best picture at 20. I wasn't even trying. I wasn't even warm." ("The Today Show.")

Charlie doesn't like putting limits on his dreams. Charlie believes in the power of his accomplishments.

"You've read about the goddesses, come on. They're an international sensation. These are my girlfriends. These are the women that I love that have completed the three parts of my heart. ... It's a polygamy story. All my guy friends are gonna like throw tomatoes at me. It's like an organic union of the hearts." ("20/20.")

Charlie feels. Charlie feels he should not listen to judgements from jealous and puritanical tomato-wielders.

Sheen Locks On.

"I have a 10,000-year-old brain and the boogers of a 7-year-old. That's how I describe myself." ("Piers Morgan Tonight.")

Charlie fears alzheimers as much as he fears the common cold. That is to say, he fears it not at all.

Raging Titter hopes this article has helped you understand the Charlie Sheen situation more fully. Raging Titter also wishes you and yours a very sincere #winning.

In the interest of fair and accurate reporting, we at Raging Titter must inform our readers that the term "tigerblood" refers to the cocaine derived designer drug that was the subject of the film Deep Cover.