Midnight Phone Call: Gallagher

When one indulges nostalgically about the 80s, a few things jump right up into the old consciousness. Just a few of those happy notions are: Cocaine, New Coke, Reagan, Punk Rock, Michael J. Fox films, Night Court, and the Dangermouse cartoon. Nothing, however, was as mysteriously popular as the prop comedian, Gallagher. The man made a living, making a mess.

Recently, the name Gallagher has held more than a tincture of controversy. He recently appeared (and abruptly disappeared in quite a menopausal alcoholic sort of way ) on Marc Maron's podcast. Reports point to more darkly political, racist, and homophobic moments cobbled together with jokes you might find on a popsicle.

This has all been particularly difficult on the actor, Peter Gallagher, who also shows up when you google "Gallagher" and has never smashed fruit with a ridiculous hammer.

It may have been this controversy that led Gallagher to call the Raging Titter hot line. It could have also been that he recently suffered a "minor" heart attack.

"The single greatest mistake of my career was my failure to recognize the evolution comedy is always undergoing as well as the increasing sophistication of comedy audiences. Additionally, even as a much younger man, I tended to remind people of the uncle that never touched them, but they kind of always expected would. What most people don't realize is that my kink is so specific that there's no place for children. My nightly sexual ritual proceeds this way: I'm in a diaper being rocked to sleep by a woman wearing the uniform of a catholic priest who feeds me a bottle of scotch while another woman in a furry outfit hangs upside down from a trapeze and masturbates me. There's no place for a child in that! And now you know where all my money went!"

"As far as the racist and homophobic aspects of my act, I was just reaching for controversy. I wanted to generate some buzz! It worked for Dice!"

"Unfortunately, the buzz created was less like bees to a flower and more like flies to shit. Truth is, I'm too narcissitic. And before you ask, it's the same for my political beliefs. People on the right pay for entertainment which excitingly reinforces their political identity. Look at Fox News! That's their Jon Stewart! I'm just trying to be their David Cross."

"I'm playing the blind man in a kingdom of people with one eye. This is how I'm artistically processing my career missteps. I've never had to struggle with relevance and meaning before. It's really frightening. I'm really trying to go beneath my own surface."

So what's next for Gallagher?

(Heavy Sigh)

"I don't know. Maybe I'll get that Mini-me guy to stand next to me and smash grapes with a dildo. Put it up on Funny or Die. You know why I dress like a homeless on stage now? The Sledge-o-Matic really stains clothing. I have to buy everything at thrift stores before I go on. I'm one of the working poor. Later. I gotta go wash this shit off."

There was ten minutes heavy breathing and light sobbing before the click. Also a lullabye.