Pointy Productivity: Starfucking

Where does the time go? It doesn't go anywhere. It gets spent. Like money. When Benjamin Franklin said, "Time is money", I don't think he meant that every moment is a chance to make another buck. He meant that time is a precious resource and, like money, if you spend it foolishly you end up a poorer person. So how are you spending your time foolishly? I don't know for sure, but I have a guess. It's your cyber starfucking.

Starfucker - A person obessessed with seeking out personal interaction with celebrities. The desired interaction may or may not be sexual in nature.

If you'd like your time online and your day in general to be more productive, you only need to follow a single simple rule. Don't be friends with celebrities. Don't be friends with celebrities on Facebook. Don't follow them on Twitter.

I can already feel you struggling to get away from this idea.

Celebrities, as a side effect of whatever their actual vocation, have a ton of free time, like to self-promote, and are no more clever or worthwhile than any other person living on the planet. Celebrities, however, do possess a special power. They always have our attention. The fact that so many people pay attention to everything they do gives them an ubersignificance. Everything they do seems unique and special, even when it so is not. They say, "Hey check out this stupid youtube video." And you run off and do it because they said so. They didn't find it themselves. They saw it on Fark, Metafilter or Digg. Or someone they know (in real life) sent it to them. That means it's out there for you to find too. Be your own celebrity and find your own cool shit.

You know what's not going to help you in your next difficult meeting? Whatever Youtube video just put a feather up Ashton Kutcher's ass. You know what Ryan Seacrest, the little imp man from American Idol, knows about that paper you haven't finished? Dick. Do you know what Oprah's going to tell you? Watch Oprah. Do you know that Ellen Degeneres is as creepy, if not creepier, than Rosie O Donnell? She is.

Celebrity tweets or status updates typically consist of:

1) Something you probably will never do but have seen celebrities do a lot. (I'm on Jimmy Fallon!)

2) Linking to something that involves them directly (See Soulpancake)

3) Shouting out to people you don't know and, most likely, have no interest in knowing. (Congratulations to my agent on his beautiful newborn fuck trophy.)

I can hear your fervent cries as I type this in the not too distant past. "But what if James Gunn and I get into a little back-and-forth about some link he puts up and then we exchange emails and he helps me achieve my dream of being a screenwriter!?! What then? What if that happens?" Let me address this in as clear terms as possible. If you want people (including celebrities) to notice you, do something worth noticing. Knowing the "right people" can be an important asset toward achievement. Having the right people seek you is better by an order of magnitude (that's the difference between 1000 and 100000000).

If you aren't doing anything interesting, then celebrities are a lot like regular people. Celebrities do not care what you do. They do not care what you tweet.

In conclusion, you should treat your friends more like you treat celebrities and treat celebrities like people you don't really know.

Pointy Productivity: What's Next?

What should I do next?

What should you do next? I don't know. Look around you. Use your environment. Can you fashion some rudimentary tools? What does it seem like you should do next? The answer could be staring you in the face.

However, completing a Facebook or OKcupid quiz is absolutely not the right answer. I'm going to save you a lot of moments of false revelation about your true nature. As it turns out, which historical period, Babylon 5 race, or Star Search Contestant you most resemble isn't as informative or useful as it sounds. This is the truth about you:

"You are curious about the world and how you fit into it. You have a desire to discover new things, not only about the world, but about yourself. You enjoy using the internet and would be quite lost without it. You have less true friends than you'd like. You have trouble connecting to people on a real emotional level. You think LOLCATS are the stupidest thing ever or funny and cute. You feel that you are very different from most people you know, however, you do not feel there is anything special about you. You have a low to moderate level of anxiety regarding pooping in strange places. You consider yourself intelligent, but find yourself scouring self improvement blogs and exclaiming, 'Well I know that!' And yet, you never grasp the irony. In short you are exactly who you think you are and completely aware of the person you'd like to be. So go monkeyshit insane and be that person, just for a day. Oh, and you are more likable when you're not worried about how likable you are."

Facebook quizzes are not scientific. They are based solely on the quiz writer's perception of a constellation of traits. So you're going to let some fucktard who's got nothing better to do than write a fucking facebook quiz define who you think you are? Who you are is a person who spends far too much time wondering/worrying about who you are and not nearly enough time BEING who you are.”

Also, if you were a condiment, you'd be brown horseradish mustard. Deal.