Jethro Tull: Cross-eyed Mary

Endless Fascination.

That's the only way to describe my relationship with this song. I've always had soft spot for the angel with dirty wings. Maybe that's why I think that everyone gets this song wrong. It's not simply a woeful tale of child prostitution among low lifes and pedophiles. It's an intimate and playful portrait of a young girl with a deeply misguided social conscience. She chooses the earthy experiences of the lower class to those of her own and her reasons are known only to her. Why she "favors" the poor man with something "good and strong", we may never fully understand. But those words also perfectly describe the marriage of the melody and the narrative in this unyielding prog rock classic.

President Obama Derided Down Mexico Way.

Unless you've been living under a particularly large wifiless rock in the desert of the uninformed, you've seen the image of Barak Obama photoshopped to look like Heath Ledger's Joker with the word "SOCIALISM" written in a big scary font. Well, like every other great thing done in America, there's now a cheap mexican knockoff.

Pink flyers have appeared, first in Mexico City, now in almost every other urban center in Mexico. The pink flyers, depicting President Obama in a shade of blue familiar to everyone who went to gradeschool in the time of mimeograph machines with the phrase "Pinko Stinko!" surronding his head in a Soviet inspired font. Unverified reports have placed these flyers as far north as El Paso.

The first question on every rational mind is, of course, why is anti-Obama propaganda showing up in Mexico? Anti-Obama sentiment is certainly nothing new here in the states, but the homebrewed and old school nature of this propganda leads one to the conclusion that those responsible are neither well funded nor organized. All that points to someone local. But why?

Perhaps President Obama's initiatives to turn the American financial crisis aren't working fast enough and roused formerly illegally employed workers to action. Now that there are no longer jobs Americans won't do, illegal immigrants have been forced to return to Mexico. These points coupled with the fact that the flyers have greatest impact when the text is read in a stereotypical mexican accent lead one to wonder who Obama will make enemies with next.

Edgar Winter: Frankenstein: Live

Few things make me feel like this song. It's an ember of rage, lit by a spark of madness, and it grows until it engulfs the entire world. Good and bad both burned beyond recognition. And when it's over, that guitar will still shriek in my head, singing out to sweet oblivion.

Recorded at The Mosque Theater in Pittsburgh, PA in April, 1973.

When Books Do It: A Hi-Lo Literary Mashup

If books of vastly differing strata and subject are stored near each other, they will do it. That's what they don't tell you about Dewey Decimal! It's a system put in place to prevent the crossbreeding of certain kinds of books.

Anyway, a copy of The Brothers Karamazov (classic canonical literature) and Prince of Thieves (a romance novel) got loose and had a bit of a tryst. This is the result. Before you judge it, remember it will most likely not be accepted under any classification.

She found it difficult to take part in the conversation as the women talked of things, pictures, and images of which even soldiers would sometimes hesitate to speak. Only a fear of embarrassing her cousin prevented her from describing in detail just what fashion she'd been wearing of late.

There were many questions for her and comments about the handsome Sakim lord with whom she seemed to have some sort of connection. He was simply an early lover of humanity, and that he adopted the monastic life was simply because at that time it struck him, so to say, as the ideal escape for his soul struggling from the darkness of worldly wickedness to the light of love. Being highborn ladies all, they were very discreet, but it became apparent to Maryana that some stories were circulating about about him which made one feel at once (and it was so all his life afterwards) that he did not care to be a judge of others that he would never take it upon himself to criticise and would never condemn anyone for anything.

Her responses were guarded, but carefully calculated to titillate and provide grist from more conversation later. Part of this was pure deviltry on her part, but it was also intended to present Roderic in the best possible light. He was very strange even at that time, and had been so indeed from his cradle. But he was fond of people: he seemed throughout his life to put implicit trust in people: yet no one ever looked on him as a simpleton or naive person. She had no way of knowing which of these women might have some influence over their husband's decisions.

But she longed to be back in the dining room, which was a very sink of filthy debauchery, pleading Roderic's cause. It seemed possible, chaste and pure as he was, that if the Innish allied themselves with Roderic and the Sakims, her king might give up without a battle and withdraw to Neran soil with such booty as he'd already claimed.

Pointy Productivity: Starfucking

Where does the time go? It doesn't go anywhere. It gets spent. Like money. When Benjamin Franklin said, "Time is money", I don't think he meant that every moment is a chance to make another buck. He meant that time is a precious resource and, like money, if you spend it foolishly you end up a poorer person. So how are you spending your time foolishly? I don't know for sure, but I have a guess. It's your cyber starfucking.

Starfucker - A person obessessed with seeking out personal interaction with celebrities. The desired interaction may or may not be sexual in nature.

If you'd like your time online and your day in general to be more productive, you only need to follow a single simple rule. Don't be friends with celebrities. Don't be friends with celebrities on Facebook. Don't follow them on Twitter.

I can already feel you struggling to get away from this idea.

Celebrities, as a side effect of whatever their actual vocation, have a ton of free time, like to self-promote, and are no more clever or worthwhile than any other person living on the planet. Celebrities, however, do possess a special power. They always have our attention. The fact that so many people pay attention to everything they do gives them an ubersignificance. Everything they do seems unique and special, even when it so is not. They say, "Hey check out this stupid youtube video." And you run off and do it because they said so. They didn't find it themselves. They saw it on Fark, Metafilter or Digg. Or someone they know (in real life) sent it to them. That means it's out there for you to find too. Be your own celebrity and find your own cool shit.

You know what's not going to help you in your next difficult meeting? Whatever Youtube video just put a feather up Ashton Kutcher's ass. You know what Ryan Seacrest, the little imp man from American Idol, knows about that paper you haven't finished? Dick. Do you know what Oprah's going to tell you? Watch Oprah. Do you know that Ellen Degeneres is as creepy, if not creepier, than Rosie O Donnell? She is.

Celebrity tweets or status updates typically consist of:

1) Something you probably will never do but have seen celebrities do a lot. (I'm on Jimmy Fallon!)

2) Linking to something that involves them directly (See Soulpancake)

3) Shouting out to people you don't know and, most likely, have no interest in knowing. (Congratulations to my agent on his beautiful newborn fuck trophy.)

I can hear your fervent cries as I type this in the not too distant past. "But what if James Gunn and I get into a little back-and-forth about some link he puts up and then we exchange emails and he helps me achieve my dream of being a screenwriter!?! What then? What if that happens?" Let me address this in as clear terms as possible. If you want people (including celebrities) to notice you, do something worth noticing. Knowing the "right people" can be an important asset toward achievement. Having the right people seek you is better by an order of magnitude (that's the difference between 1000 and 100000000).

If you aren't doing anything interesting, then celebrities are a lot like regular people. Celebrities do not care what you do. They do not care what you tweet.

In conclusion, you should treat your friends more like you treat celebrities and treat celebrities like people you don't really know.

Bad Movie? Bad Ideas? Bad Boys 3

Hollywood isn't out of bad ideas yet. In an exercise of poor judgement unseen since the making of Bad Boys II, Columbia Pictures has started development for Bad Boys III.

Will Smith is reportedly excited to distance himself from dreary, meditative bullshit like 7 pounds and I Am Legend.

"I can't wait to get back to pointing guns at motherfuckers and yelling, 'Stop Motherfucker!', for millions and millions of dollars."

Costar Martin Lawrence also expressed interest in a third installment of the franchise, "Anything to get my ass out of making shit like this." Lawrence's comments were overheard at a script meeting of Wild Hogs 2: Fatter, Older, Triter.

The only missing component for completing what is possibly the most unnecessary trilogy in the history of cinema is a script which remains faithful to the characters, story, and vision of the first two films.

In a telephone interview, Michael Bay expressed trepidation regarding the search for the script. "I don't want some asshole who doesn't know how I fuck the frame trying to write it. I mean the last guy they offered this gig wanted to wait until page ten before the first explomo* sequence. I mean, what the fuck."

Reports that Michael Bay is a lesser demon using the film industry as a cover for creating fiery portals into hell remain unsubstantiated.


Jerry Bruckheimer had no comment.


More here.


*explomo - explosion/slow motion. A Michael Bay trademark.

New Riders Of The Purple Sage: Home Grown: Live

With California considering the legalization of marijuana to cope with a monumental budget short fall, I can't help but think that their estimates of a billion dollars in tax revenue is a bit low.

But about the song, It's just a quick and dirty little rock song with a relentless rhythm and efficient narrative.

Mexico has decriminalized, which will affect the availability just across the border, one would think.

Actually, part of what gives weed its cool cache is the illegality coupled with its demonstrable relative harmlessness. Weed has a commerciaized subculture unlike any other illegal substance. That subculture has persisted because it is profitable. Don't just tax maryjane. Tax bongs, pipes, papers, and screens. If marijuana was legal tomorrow, it would only be as cool as booze, cigarettes, coffee, energy drinks, prescription drugs, gambling, and high fructose corn syrup.

Oh and to all the California marijuana law reformers, you're welcome in advance for finding your theme song.

Pointy Productivity: What's Next?

What should I do next?

What should you do next? I don't know. Look around you. Use your environment. Can you fashion some rudimentary tools? What does it seem like you should do next? The answer could be staring you in the face.

However, completing a Facebook or OKcupid quiz is absolutely not the right answer. I'm going to save you a lot of moments of false revelation about your true nature. As it turns out, which historical period, Babylon 5 race, or Star Search Contestant you most resemble isn't as informative or useful as it sounds. This is the truth about you:

"You are curious about the world and how you fit into it. You have a desire to discover new things, not only about the world, but about yourself. You enjoy using the internet and would be quite lost without it. You have less true friends than you'd like. You have trouble connecting to people on a real emotional level. You think LOLCATS are the stupidest thing ever or funny and cute. You feel that you are very different from most people you know, however, you do not feel there is anything special about you. You have a low to moderate level of anxiety regarding pooping in strange places. You consider yourself intelligent, but find yourself scouring self improvement blogs and exclaiming, 'Well I know that!' And yet, you never grasp the irony. In short you are exactly who you think you are and completely aware of the person you'd like to be. So go monkeyshit insane and be that person, just for a day. Oh, and you are more likable when you're not worried about how likable you are."

Facebook quizzes are not scientific. They are based solely on the quiz writer's perception of a constellation of traits. So you're going to let some fucktard who's got nothing better to do than write a fucking facebook quiz define who you think you are? Who you are is a person who spends far too much time wondering/worrying about who you are and not nearly enough time BEING who you are.”

Also, if you were a condiment, you'd be brown horseradish mustard. Deal.